The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.
"One," replied the new guy.
"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered, "$58,334."
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."
The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing."
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
Stupidity doesn't count as a handicap, park elsewhere.
I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with and unarmed person. The proctologist called!...they found your head!
His elevator won't go to the top.
She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
People would follow him, but only out of morbid curiosity.
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic!
Everyone has a photographic memory you just don't have film.
You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance.
Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp.
If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and teach him to walk around backwards!
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you're abusing the privilege.
All foam, no beer.
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
Ghost Poopie: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie: This happens when you're done poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie: The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're
afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie: Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie: The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie: (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie:The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie: It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie: The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie: You are not even at the toilet because you
are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep
Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder
to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your
grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200procent, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car
windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to
keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part
of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue
your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises
when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer
jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard,
and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in
a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers
while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every
show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your
personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson
conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation
a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to
it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by
tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the
cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent.
If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big
one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While
making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a
parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a
Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens
that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior
mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Runners-up:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Honorable Mentions:
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
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