Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were sitting around talking about their best qualities. Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world." Snow White said, "I am considered to be the fairest maiden in the world." Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being the ugliest man in the world."
Superman suggested they go to the castle and see what Snow White's mirror had to say. Superman went in first. When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that he is still the strongest man in the world. Snow White was next and when she joined the other two she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world. The Hunchback was next and when he came out he had a puzzled look on his face. He is asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman ?"
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player
in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
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What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
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What do collegiate football players usually get on their final exams?
Drool.
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After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the
TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron,
what would you be then?"
The football player was trying to pick up a coed at a fraternity party when
she told him that she was much more turned on by academic types than dumb jocks.
"So," she said, "what's your G.P.A.?"
The jock smiled and said, "I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on
the highway!"
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
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